I Work for Mort Rainey
by loves him
Summary: I need a job. My dad kicked me out of the house. BUT I DON'T LIKE MORT RAINEY! Do I still have to work for him? Yes, I need the money. Darn!
1. I Need a Job

**I Work for Mort Rainey**

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_Chapter 1: I need a job._

**A/N: This is a side job. It's supposed to be humorous, hopefully. I don't think anyone else has started anything like this. And if they already have, then I apologize to you. So far, I've found nothing like this.**

**10:58 AM******

The man. Icky man. Eew….I don't like the guy. I think.

**11:00******

And I have to work for him. Eew.

**11:10******

I'm standing outside of my car, waiting. For something. My dad kicked me out of the house. So I need a job.

**11:11******

Why do I have to work for him? Why not anyone else?

**11:15******

Oh yeah, because he's giving the highest pay.

**11:25******

I'm cold. I don't want to go in. I'll just come tomorrow.

**11:30******

It's really cold. Yeah, tomorrow is fine.

**11:37******

I should get back in the car.


	2. Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measu...

**I Work for Mort Rainey**

_Chapter 2: Desperate times call for desperate measures._

**A/N: Heehee…..I haven't updated in like forever. Sry….but like I said, this is a side job. Plus, my plane was waitin' for me the very next day. So yea, I couldn't do much. But here it is, after much prolonging.**

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**12: 01 PM**

Okay, I'm going to knock on his door.

**12:02 PM**

There, I knocked. Now what?

**12:30 PM**

All right. I had went in, handed him my resume, talked to him, ate some cookies with milk, and guess what? Two girls have already applied for the job. And he told me that five more have made appointments or something to see him. I forgot the exact word that he had used.

**12:33 PM**

Kay, now I can go away. I can go and drive to Melissa's home, where I'm staying at.

**12:35 PM**

Shoot. I forgot to give him my phone number. slams head against steering wheel

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**7:03 PM**

I hope I get the job.

**7:04 PM**

I need money badly. I can't live with Melissa forever. She's a vegetarian. I'm gonna starve like this!

**7:05 PM**

If I get the job, will he let me stay with him? I hope he lets me stay; I can't live with a vegetarian for the rest of my life.

**7:08 PM**

I'm too young to die.

**7:09 PM**

Imagine if he was a vegetarian. That would be hilarious. starts laughing

**7: 10 PM**

stops laughing, her face becomes pale Okay. It's not funny anymore. gulps I need water.

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**8:08 PM**

I'm hungry.

**8:10 PM**

All that Melissa has is salad right now.

**8: 15 PM**

Why did I have to stay with a friend who's a vegetarian?

**8: 21 PM**

Stupid salad. crunch, crunch, crunch

**8: 31 PM**

I gave him my phone number, right?

**8: 33 PM**

Stupid salad. crunch, crunch, crunch

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**11: 39 PM**

I seriously hope he's not a vegetarian.

**11: 45 PM**

I'd break down crying right then and there.

**11: 47 PM**

I'd better call him.

**11: 48 PM**

Never mind. If I call him this late at night, I might not get the job.

**11: 50 PM**

Or even worse. I'd get the job and he'd force himself to be a vegetarian. But why? To torture me. Either that or get revenge for calling so late.

**11: 52 PM**

Ick. Vegetables.

**11: 55 PM**

He'd have to be very evil to do that. Seriously.


	3. Model a la Mall

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I Work for Mort Rainey

_Chapter 3: Model a la Mall_

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**2:12 PM **

Melissa wants to go shopping. Again. I don't really want to go shopping. After the third time this week, I got kind of tired. Wouldn't you be tired as well? But Melissa insists. And I have nothing else to do. Toast to vegetarian shop-a-holics that are Asian with very long, very pretty, very black, and very shiny hair. sarcastic voice Yay! -throws confetti all around-

**3:15 PM **

We're here. And she's dragged me into the fitting rooms of Abercrombie and Fitch. Melissa wants to try on this super short mini-skirt. And guess what…..it's pink. Yes, pink. The saleslady at the front of the fitting room is smiling appreciatively at the expensive items that Melissa wants to purchase and trying to ignore my empty hands. Yeah, so I'm not the Banana Republic or Abercrombie and Fitch type. If it weren't for Melissa, I would run at the very sound of the music that's blasting in A&f. I don't like this place. It's very uncomfortable. You get this air of having to buy something. And you have to look as if though you're extremely busy and yet you have the time to relax with your friends and buy a pair of ordinary old brown pants for 60 bucks. No, count me out please. I don't have that type of a budget.

**3:18 PM **

Sometimes I wonder why I even consider Melissa as a friend.

**3:25 PM **

We're at the Cinnabon. I love the place. And luckily Melissa doesn't watch her calories. She'd have to suffer from anorexia if she did. She's already a vegetarian. In all honesty, I'm one of those people that will get a Big Mac and be selfish enough not to take into consideration the cow that was killed in the process. Okay, I'm a carnivore. Happy? Fear my long dagger-like teeth. I'll swallow you any minute just because I eat Big Macs happily. Sheesh, that's what Melissa thinks of me.

**3:27 PM **

Actually, it's fair. Because I think Melissa is some sort of deranged alien from Planet Z or something.

**3:32 PM **

Who knew that cinnamon rolls could taste so good? Maybe it's because I've eaten salad for so long. The salad is really bitter and no matter what I add to Melissa's salad, I can never learn to like them.

**3:33 PM **

Is that Mort Rainey! -jaw drops, stops chewing- Melissa just noticed him. And she's grinning like mad. That can never be good. She's going to taunt me for ages when we get back to her house. And guess what….no, I can't believe this. There is this beautiful model of a woman hanging onto his arm. Medium-length brown hair, sparkling green eyes, a beautiful figure. And the two of them are laughing as though they have no other care in the world. -jaw drops and gapes- He looks….tame. His beard is shaved, his hair is nicely placed and combed may I add. He looks well….gets lost in own thoughts Well….gorgeous is the only thing that I can think of.

**3:34 PM **

Wait, did I just state that I think that the man who is possibly my future employer is gorgeous? Well, erm, yeah, I guess. You can't deny it. Especially when you see him from this angle. He looks….no. Oh great. Melissa. Her grin resembles that of a Cheshire cat. I have always loved the Cheshire cat. Why? Because in my mind I saw him as some sort of a heroic idol. He could so easily perpetrate Alice's mind and get her flustered. Evil, maybe. But a good type of evil. He would get the best of people but never really take advantage of them.

**3:36 PM**

I hear Melissa say, "Oh my gosh. You are the luckiest thing ever. You're applying for a job with that hot thing? Oh my gosh. That is SOOO cool." Yeah, I know what she means by, but I'm trying not to think of that. Wait, so she thinks he's hot too? Okay, that's it. He's not hot anymore. Not to me at least. Any guy that Melissa thinks is hot….well, I can't think that that guy is hot too. That would be….abominable. Okay, that's a little extreme, but you get my point. If the two of us like him, then we'll gush over him like crazy. Eventually, both of us realize that the other likes him. Then we'll start becoming obsessive. That's not good. Then there'll be a cat fight for sure.

**3:45 PM **

Thank God we're leaving the mall. And now, not decades from now.

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**A/N: Heh. Sorry for the long time that it took. The reason? I couldn't find where I put the pages for the story. -sniff-**

**I hope you guys like it. Plz r/r!**


	4. My Plan

**I Work for Mort Rainey**

_Chapter 4: My Plan_

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**7:28 PM**

We came back to Melissa's home hours ago, but I'm still thinking. Do I still want the job? I mean, I might be intruding on the guy's…..

personal life, I guess.

shakes head – I have absolutely no clue of what to do. I have officially formed a crush on him. But…but…but Melissa! STUPID VEGETARIANS! – grumbles –

Stupid vegetarians and their stupid vegetables. – viciously bites into a tomato – Stupid tomato.

I HATE THIS! – gets furious and has no clue of what to do –

She likes him, so I'll feel bad if I actually get with the guy. Wait, how the _hell_ am I supposed to snag a guy that's that attractive? – gets so pissed that she chucks the tomato at the wall –

Shit. Now there's this huge red circle thing that's staring at me. Argh! This isn't fair. Why does life have to do this to me? Why me?

**7:35 PM**

scrubs the wall with a sponge – And why in the world did I have to throw that tomato at the wall? Poor tomato. I almost pity it. Except the thing is that I pity myself more since I can't decide whether to crush on, hopefully, my future employer. And oh yeah, I'm the one that was going to have to eat that damned thing.

**8:22 PM**

All right. I've figured it out. Once I get the job, I'll work extremely hard for the guy and he'll start appreciating me. Once I've got that down, I'll start joking around with him. Once I've got that down, I'll become a good friend of his. Once I've got that down, we can slowly start to realize our feelings for each other. Once I've got that down, I can make Melissa think he's unattractive. Once I've got that down, I'll make him fall for me so badly that he'll more than willingly dump the woman that he's with.

**8:25 PM**

Except, there are a few gaping holes in this whole plan of mine. One, how will I get Mort to like me? Mort….odd name. Whatever. Once we're married, I'll tell him to change it.

Married? Don't ask me. It was my mind. It was all _its_ fault.

Two, how will I get Melissa to think that he's unattractive? Well, I can always draw squiggly lines on his face with a permanent marker while he's sleeping. Then I'll ask Melissa to come over early in the morning, before he's awake. She'll see him, gasp, feel like gagging, run out of the house, and later tell me of my horrid choice of men.

Three, the girl that he's with.

I have a headache. My mind doesn't want to think any further.

I'll deal with the girl problem later.

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**Disclaimer : I've been forgetting these for some time. I do not own Mort Rainey or anything to do with Secret Window. Only my odd, demented OCs. **

**Thanx to: (I've forgotten these too)**

**Dawnie-7: The cat is super adorable. - huggles the cat -Thanx for the review!**

**ObsidianAngel6 - I'm glad that you like it. Yes, she's turned into a carnivore. I really liked writing the last chapter. **

**tinkthefairy - she has TONS of self-control, unlike me. - eyes glaze over -lol, she thinks that the "model woman" is Mort's girlfriend.**

**A/N: Sorry! Lately my chapters have been really short and I've been posting with long intervals between each chapter.**

**Please forgive me. Be kind to this poor soul and leave a review. You'll get a cookie? - tries baiting the audience withfood - It's a really BIG cookie... – wink wink, nudge nudge - **


	5. Maybe, Maybe Not

**I Work for Mort Rainey**

_Chapter 5: Maybe, Maybe Not_

**10:30 P.M.**

I'm tired and bored and tired and hungry and tired and sleepy and tired and grumpy and extremely tired. Oh wait, I already said that around… - counts number in her head – four times.

**10:31 P.M.**

Wait, was it four or five? – counts again – four 'tired' s and one 'extremely tired'. There, I got it right that time.

**10:45 P.M.**

Okay, I was thinking about the plan that I concocted a couple of hours ago. I don't know how to carry it out. Yet. – grumbles – I'm going to need advice. But I can't ask Melissa so I'll just have to go searching through my address book.

**10:49 P.M.**

If only I was more organized. I would've found the damned book by now. – throws clothes out of her drawer – This is a last resort. I've checked the shelves, my empty suitcases, the couch, under the bed, the bathroom, the kitchen, under tables, everywhere. Why would my address book be amongst clothes? I have no clue. – shakes head pitifully and goes back to raiding her drawer –

**10:53 P.M.**

It's not there. - pouts – Now how am I ever going to get help?

**10:55 P.M.**

I KNOW! The internet! I can go into a chat room and ask people for help. I might meet a few freaky people, but _maybe_ I'll get lucky. Maybe, maybe not. – starts up computer – I never really realized what a nice computer Melissa has. Her dad keeps telling me how it's top of the line. Except he keeps forgetting that I'm the one that was kicked out of her own house, so how could I possibly have anything to compare with him or his family.

**11:00 P.M.**

goes on Yahoo chat – I'll just sign on with Melissa's ID. She trusts me so she gave me her password. Plus, I'm not doing anything wrong. – types in username: eViLaZnguRl and password –

**11:03 P.M.**

All right. Let's see who's on. – scans through list of people – Oh whatever. I'll just start typing and ask for help.

**11:04 P.M.**

**eViLaZnguRl: **I need help.

**rockerchik5000: **Hi. Wasup?

**weirdodude: **Wat's da prob?

**eViLaZnguRl: **I've applied to work at this guy's house and sort of clean up around the place.

**weirdodude: **uh-huh.

**estherkim: **hey ppl

**rockerchik5000: **hey esther! how r ya?

**estherkim: **fine

**eViLaZnguRl: **and my friend and I saw him earlier at the mall today.

**rockerchik5000: **was he hot?

**eViLaZnguRl: **I never thought of him as hot before…

**rockerchik5000: **and?

**eViLaZnguRl: **Yeah, I realized that I have crush on the guy.

**weirdodude: **is that it?

**estherkim: **that's a pretty lame problem

**eViLaZnguRl: **no you _mofos!_

**weirdodude: **kay, we're sorry! Sheesh. You women and ur problems

**eViLaZnguRl: **'cept now my really good friend likes him too. And I can't decide whether to like him or not.

**estherkim: **if i were you, i'd go for him

**rockerchik5000: **same here

**weirdodude: **damn, you girls sure are vicious

**rockerchik5000: **wat's his name?

**eViLaZnguRl: **Mort Rainey.

**rockerchik5000:** Wtf! I APPLIED TO WORK FOR THE SAME GUY!

I think to myself, _Oh shit…_

**rockerchik5000:** u can't work for him bitch!

After that the girl followed with a long string of curses. I decided to exit the chat room.

So I guess that wasn't too helpful. – grumbles – Life sooo isn't being fair to me! – continuously smacks head against the desktop - Ah, I'll just take go after Mort, like they suggested, as ill-advised as it may have been.

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**A/N: There, it's done. Even though it's not too long.**

**Diclaimer: I don't own Mort Rainey, only my OCs.**

**Melissa: I'm running out of salad. - whines -**

**Lily: Where'd you come from?**

**Thanx to:**

**Dawnie-7: Yes, the poor tomato. Thanx a bunch for reviewing for this story and a lot of my other ones too. Here's your cookie.**

**Melissa: We should have a proper burial for the tomato.**

**Lily: - rolls eyes -**

**ObsidianAngel6 - Really? You liked the last chapter? I'm glad. But are you sure you don't want a cookie?**

**Melissa: Just take the cookie. - brandishes the oddly shaped cookie around - It took her forever to make a batch that wasn't burnt.**

**tinkthefairy - wait...I think I typed the wrong thing. I meant to imply that the girl or 'model woman' as we know her WAS Mort's girlfriend.**

**Melissa: I like the name Mort too, she shouldn't make him change it.**

**Lily: Here's your cookie!**

**Melissa: is there a name for the main character that's my friend?**

**Lily: ...erm...no.**

**Melissa: oOo**

**Lily: sry. I know. Let's have a contest. In your review give me ideas for names for the main character. Every reviewer can give me up to 3 names. **

**Melissa: The winner will get a life-size cut-out of Mort Rainey. Everyone that enters will receive a consolation prize.**

**Lily: There. Problem solved.**

**Melissa: What if no one reviews?**

**Lily: plz prove Melissa wrong and review. Pretty please? She's really starting to annoy me now.**

**Melissa: I'm not annoying.**

**Lily: Yes you are.**


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